


It Was Only A Baking Show. How The Hell Did We End Up Here?

by AnonymouslyDead



Category: Venom (Movie 2018)
Genre: Baking Competition, Crack, M/M, but its my mess, it sucks for superheros, its a mess, that romance trope, the news, where one person guides the other in a craft or something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-18 16:33:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17584388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymouslyDead/pseuds/AnonymouslyDead
Summary: Venom drags Eddie onto their favorite baking competition. It ends poorly for both.





	1. Chapter 1

"I hope you're happy with yourself." Eddie muttered under his breath. He felt Venom slither up his side to peek out from the collar of his shirt, a shit eating grin clear across their small face.

I'm very happy, Eddie. Venom echoed in his mind. Venom shifted again. moving to the back of his neck. Images of the large kitchen set behind them flooded his mind along with snippets of the same kitchen on the television at their apartment. Eddie could feel how excited Venom was growing and it was frankly adorable. I can't believe they let you of all people on.

"Hey, I am a celebrity." At least, that's what Celebrity Bake Off's representatives had told him when they called him. Apparently, the fallout with the Life Foundation had gained him some of his reputation back, enough to get an offer to be a contestant, and how could he refuse when he had a cooking show obsessed parasite living inside him. 

The answer is that he literally could not. Venom took control of his voice and kept him from saying anything besides "Hell yes.".

How much chocolate do you think they have? 

"You can't eat it." Eddie said on reflex. Venom slithered back around just to give Eddie an incredulous look. Before Eddie could respond a loud air horn sounded. Venom and Eddie braced against the jarring sound. 

"Bakers, you have one hour! Get baking!" The bright, bouncy hostess called out. Eddie's legs started move towards the kitchen of their own accord. 

Eeeeeddie, come on! Let's go! 

"Hold your horses, V. I don't even know what we're making." Eddie looked around until he spotted a book on the set's polished countertop and walked over. "Huh, it's just a cake. Nothing fancy." The book spelled out a simple recipe for yellow cake.

Let me do it, Eddie. You're shit at baking. 

"Well, thanks for that vote of confidence." 

You burned our poor cookies.

"You didn't seem to mind after I let you eat that mob boss' head." Eddie gave Venom an unimpressed look.

Come on, please. I'll let you have the biggest piece. 

That was a boldfaced lie. Venom would devour that cake the second they were done with it, but Venom was downright pleading. Venom gave him this wide eyed, alien puppy dog look, and that was it. Eddie relented, letting Venom take control of his body. 

"Just don't eat anyone on live tv." Eddie said. 

Venom scoffed. You insult me. I have some control. 

As he said that, Venom pulled out a bag of chocolate chips. Eddie had to fight against Venom's control to keep them from pouring the whole bag in. 

Eddie! Venom whined. 

"You need to use a reasonable amount. The judges probably don't like to drown in chocolate." 

Then, they are pussies. Venom said, but Eddie watched him search around for a set of measuring cups. 

After that incident, Eddie had to step in occasionally to work the fancy kitchen appliances Venom wasn't familiar with, but otherwise, he was only watching as his body poured ingredients into a bowl. It wasn't exactly comfortable; he felt like he was being yanked around like a marionette puppet. Occasionally, Venom would overshoot his actions, nearly resulting in their cake batter to splatter all over the floor when they took the bowl out of the mixer. It was a miracle they got the batter into the oven without dropping it. 

"What the hell?" Eddie asked as they bumped around the kitchen. He felt his knee slam into a kitchen cabinet as Venom pulled out a bag of powdered sugar. 

Harder to control when we are not us.

Yeah, they couldn't exactly go Venom right now. "Ok then, let me have control." Eddie willed his hands to move of his own accord. "You can just tell me what to do." 

No, I want to do it! Venom yanked back control of Eddie's arms. Unfortunately, Eddie's arms jerked in response. Powdered sugar spilled out the bag, puffing into a big dusty cloud. 

Oops.

Eddie coughed. "V, let go of me. Now." Eddie demanded. He felt Venom's control seep away. Venom themself seemed to draw away from inside Eddie's body entirely, settling into a large ball inside the front of his shirt.

"Sorry Eddie." Venom said sadly. 

Eddie sighed. "V. Don't be like that." 

Venom shifted inside his shirt and let out a sigh. Oh great, he was pouting now. 

"Come on, V. I'm not mad. Just tell me what to do, and we can do it." Eddie said. "We are one. So if I do it-

The ball absorbed back into his skin. We do it. You had better not burn my cake. 

Under Venom's orders, Eddie manged not to burn the cake. In fact, the cake looked perfect in Eddie's opinion at least. Eddie continued to follow Venom's instructions, making a chocolate frosting and loading it into a pastry bag. 

"Ok, what now?" Eddie asked. 

Ice the cake.

"Ok." Eddie started squeezing a line of icing onto the cake only for Venom to scream- 

STOP!

"Ow!" Eddie cringed against the yell in his head "What?" 

You're doing it wrong. It has to be neater. 

"What does that mean?" 

Dots. Do dots. It looks better. 

"Since when did you care about presentation?" 

Venom let out an annoyed huff in his head. You'll embarrass us on television with that kind of icing job.

"Again, love the confidence." Eddie said sarcastically, but he did as he was told. He started to ice onto the cake. The first came out alright, but the next came out way too big. The next dot was shaped more like an oval. Eddie could feel Venom's frustration building in him. 

No! Like this! Black gooey tendrils shot down his arm. They quickly expanded, shifted, and then solidified into familiar clawed hands. The clawed hand cupped Eddie's hands, directing his hands to move and squeeze identical dots all over the cake. 

"Well...okay then." Eddie let Venom guide his hands, surprised at how gentle Venom was being. It's strange, but it's certainly better than being pulled around. It reminded him of the cheesy rom-com movies he'd binge when he was bored. 

Suddenly, Eddie felt more tendrils crawl across his back, across his shoulders, and down his arms, sending a shiver down his spine. These tendrils shift and solidify until Eddie could see Venom's head craning around Eddie's side. 

"Is this what you had in mind?" Venom asked. Venom's arms caressed his own arms. Eddie didn't answer; he was too busy being aware of the fact that Venom was apparently pressed into his back. His thoughts were rushing, trying to figure how to explain to Venom how this was not how Venom should be acting especially on television. Venom seemed to grin as if he took pleasure at his flustered state.

But then, Venom's attention turned elsewhere, their grin turning into a vicious scowl. Eddie looked. A camera crew was staring at them in shock and horror. It took Eddie a minute to realize "Holy shit, this was being filmed." 

"Um, V?" Eddie said. 

On it. Venom sent their arm flying at the camera, crushing it in its momentum.


	2. Chapter 2

Eddie has been extremely worried after they had absconded from the studio. He had waited with baited breath for the manhunt to begin, keeping his eyes glued to the news. However, the biggest surprise came from a sleazy celebrity tabloid in Mrs. Chen’s store.

“Eddie Brock’s Secret Affair With Vigilante, Venom.” graced the colorful cover. Accompanying it is a blurry cellphone photo of right before they had gone Venom. Even with the blur, Eddie could see his blush clear as the top half of Venom leaned over him, directing his hands. Eddie snatched up the magazine and slapped a few bills onto the counter before tearing into the magazine. 

The weak excuse for an article went on to speculate about their supposed relationship, explicit and all. It went as far as to wonder what “Venom’s tongue do”. Eddie quickly ripped that page out and balled it up. 

“Well, we are not going to have to run.” Venom offered in his head. “Pity. I was craving brains.” 

“I would’ve rathered them hunt us down.” 

Venom perked up. “Then, we can go eat brains?” 

“No!” Eddie said. 

“You’re no fun.” Venom gave him a pout. Eddie ignored them, choosing to look back at the offending article. 

“This tabloid is no fun.”

“I don’t see the problem. It just shows what’s obvious. You’re mine.” He felt Venom slither around Eddie’s neck in his small tentacle form to prove his point. 

“...V, that’s not how those kinds of relationships work.” 

“That’s what your memories say.”

“That’s what my memories shitty rom-coms say. Real relationships are partnerships.” Eddie asked. 

“Which is what we have.” 

“No, I mean like a romantic partnership.” Eddie said. “You know, they show affection like in those shitty rom-coms. You know like hugging and kissing-“ 

“You seemed to like kissing us in the forest.” Venom said with a smirk. Eddie blushed at the memory. He almost forgot the fact that he had technically made out with Venom. When he had opened his eyes, all he had felt was the shock of seeing Anne. 

Venom scoffed. “Forget? You should be so lucky as to make out with us.” 

Eddie scoffed right back. “It wasn’t like I was hearing any complaints.” 

“You were alright. For a loser.” “Says the loser who’s probably never kissed anyone.” 

“My species has no such think as “kissing”. Your species however is more social than mine and seems to have an obsession over such social acts.” Venom tilted his head, looking up at Eddie. “Am I wrong?” 

“You sure aren’t.” 

“Is that why you’re acting so pissy about the article?” 

“No!...Yes...” Eddie groaned, rubbing a hand down his face. “Please just drop it. You don’t get it. Let’s just go home.” 

“Alright, loser.” Venom lied as Eddie started their walk back to their apartment. 


	3. Chapter 3

The next few days passed by quietly. Eddie threw his focus into their work, chasing leads for articles to write and criminals to stop. Venom seemed to go along with it. Instead of complaining about his hunger frequently, he sat quietly as Eddie took his time typing. A part of Eddie wondered if the little shit was up to something, but he was mostly glad they weren't interrogating him anymore.

One such night, he closed his laptop closed and yawned. He took a few minutes to look around his apartment, trying to shake off the hours of staring at a column of words. 

"Eddie. Sun." Venom said.

"What?" 

Venom pointed at their apartment. Dim reddish light was spilling through the apartment window. Eddie frowned, trying to remember whether it was sunrise or sunset. 

"Wanna see." Venom stretched his eel like form forward before turning to look at Eddie. "Come on." 

Eddie got up and followed him to the small window. Despite a fine layer of dust over the glass outside, they could see the sun rising between the buildings across the street. 

"Pretty." Venom said. He drifted closer to the glass and smiled. "We don't have this on my planet." 

"Oh really?" 

"Yes. We just have an atmosphere that occasionally fills with a highly combustible mix of gases. It's a gas storm that looks like Uranus." Venom commented. He smiled, and Eddie was too tired to tell if he was kidding or not.

"Well on Earth, it means its time for us to go to bed like normal human beings." Eddie said, surpressing another yawn. Eddie had expected Venom to make some kind of snide comment or to disappear inside his chest like they usually did. Instead, Venom coiled around their neck and rested their head on Eddie's. 

"Yes." Venom hissed softly. Eddie felt a small pang of tiredness coming of the symbiote. 

"Alright, V. We're going to bed." Eddie said, giving them a soft pat. He walked over to the bed and made sure he wouldn't crush V before promptly passing out. 


	4. Chapter 4

Eddie woke up to a low rumble on his chest. He craned his head and smiled. Venom had melted into a black puddle on his chest. Eddie placed his hand on the puddle. Venom drew in on their self at the contact before little tentacles wrapped around his fingers.

“Come on, V. Time to get up.” Eddie said, sitting up in bed. Venom growled. 

“No. Warm.” Venom said. Their form seemed to inch out farther across his chest as if to claim it. That didn’t stop Eddie from getting up though. Venom adjusted their grip, so they would stick to his chest. “Traitor.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” Eddie shuffled into the kitchen and dug around in the cabinets. He found a box of chocolate pop tarts Venom hadn’t devoured yet. He sat down at his kitchen island, tore open a package, and started eating the dry pastries. He looked down at the counter, frowning when he noticed a strange magazine thrown across its surface. 

Then, he remembered he had bought that yesterday. Curious, he picked up the magazine. 

“10 Signs That You Are In a Healthy Relationship.” He rolled his eyes, remembering the argument Venom had gotten into. Still, he kept looking and the article read. “#1 You communicate openly and regularly.” 

Well, he and Venom didn’t have a choice when it came to that. And sure, it was ladened with sarcasm most of the the time, but it was fun to argue with him. That was their thing. 

“#2 You spend time together.” 

Again, he and Venom didn’t have much of a choice there, but they did enjoy each other’s company. Trips to McDonalds were all the more fun these days when he could watch Venom scarf down twenty Hot and Spicy McChickens at once. 

“#3 You are affectionate with each other.” 

Eddie remembered way too many examples from Venom curled up on his chest this morning to them making out in the forest and the incident at Celebrity Bake Off. It was almost like they were flirting with him.

Eddie kept reading. A lot of points seemed to apply to Venom and him. Huh, it sure did sound like they had a relationship. 

“Told you.” Eddie looked down to see Venom staring up at him with his big pearly eyes. 

“Well, you should’ve told me sooner. I would’ve dressed up nicer.” Eddie said on reflex, but inside, he felt unease at the idea. 

“Still unsure?” Venom asked. 

“That idea is going to take some getting used to.” Eddie admitted. Venom hummed in acknowledgement, crawling up to curl their gooey form around his neck, tickling the hairs on the back of his neck. 

“There. There. You’ll be over your weird human hang ups soon enough.” Venom patted a tentacle against his neck. 

“Wow, I sure feel the love, V. What a relationship master you’ve become.” Eddie said sarcastically. 

“Damn right I am.” Venom said. “Now, give me your phone. I have just the thing for us.” 


	5. Chapter 5

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Baker's Colleuseum: Sweetheart Hellfire!" The host announced to the camera.

"I still can't believe you actually talked them into having us on." Eddie whispered under his breath. Venom hushed him. 

"Vincent's talking. Don't embarass us." Venom said in his head. Eddie raised an eyebrow. 

"Should I be worried?" 

"Yes." Venom said, sounding dead serious, but Venom nuzzled his small, noodle bodied head against Eddie's check. Eddie let out a chuckle and reached up to pet them, feeling a new sense of fondness added to his feelings. Whether it was his or Venom's, Eddie didn't know, but he was pretty happy with it. More than he had thought he would be when had first broached the idea of their relationship.

"Our panel of world class chefs watched as our celebrity couple struggled through baking a three tier wedding cake!" Vincent announced. " And now, our judges will claim Baker's Best based off of presentation and taste." 

Eddie looked down at their cake, resting on a . They hadn't struggled as much as they had on their first baking show, having said fuck it and let Venom manifest his own body again. Sure, Venom had insisted on loading the cake with chocolate wherever he could find a place for it and Eddie had to drag Venom away from the chocolate icing to boot. But in the end, they managed to bullshit their way to a proper wedding cake, and he was damn proud of that.

They had some stiff competition, however. Their competitors had their own impressive cakes on display in front of them. And while Eddie didn't know jack about the other contestants (He could've swore he saw one of them in Mad Max. Or, was it the Dark Knight Rises?), he didn't like how their chances were looking. 

"We can always eat the competition." Venom joked. 

"Witnesses, V." 

"Pussy." Venom stuck hid tongue out. 

"And the winner of Sweetheart Hellfire is..." Vincent announced. A stagehand handed him an card. "Ryan Rynolds!" 

"Oh my god." A heavily scarred man ran up and hugged Vincent followed by an amused black haired woman. "You just made all of my dreams come true." 

"I'm going to eat him." Venom growled. 

"Ok. Guess I'll eat this whole cake myself." 

"Brock, don't you dare." 

"I call the piece with the big rose on it-" 

Eddie felt something swipe across his nose. It took him a second, Venom's shit eating grin, and the icing dripping down his face to realize Venom had declared war. 

"Not a war if you can't put up a fight." Venom teased. That just spurred Eddie to smear a big glob across Venom's body. 

And so started an icing fight on national television that had Eddie and Venom laughing as they tossed icing around. Unfortunately, they got a little too into their fight; that's how they winded up permanently banned from the show.

"We can always try the Great American Bake Off." Venom said. Eddie nodded even though he knew he'd probably regret it later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so this is trash but *shrugs* hope you enjoyed it!

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to point out any errors with Venom's pronouns I wrote this quickly and I wanted to use they/them pronouns for them


End file.
